I’m used to burying strangers. Plenty of deceased and their families believe in God, but the church not so much. That’s when pastors get a call from a funeral director. Not much explanation is necessary: “Are you available to do a service on such and such a date and time?”
If nothing is going, I’m in. Details are provided, name, next of kin, a phone number. From there I watch for an obituary and make the visitation if possible, talk to loved ones, gather some sense of the departed.
But my latest burial was a first: no name, no contacts, just when and where. I did reconnaissance in Section B of the paper and found one possibility, a man with a brother and a couple of nieces. Maybe the brother wanted a prayer and “ashes to ashes” at the grave. No fuss, just a man of the cloth and a few words. At the appointed hour I fishtailed to my commitment, confident I would find a seventy-something man in the casket.
Instead I found Richard, a fifty-something resident of a group home, where he lived with other adults in need of supervision and care. Some of them were sitting with their caregivers, waiting for an unfamiliar face to bring comfort and hope.
The funeral director pointed me toward Richard’s primary caregiver, who didn’t quite know what to tell me. Richard didn’t speak. He loved to look at artwork. “He loved to eat,” she said, raising her eyebrows and drawing out loved, making the vowel sound delicious. He expressed disapproval by screaming.
Others told me that he insisted on being called Richard and looked forward to his morning routine of chocolate milk.
Twenty minutes before the service, I stood with Richard: African-American guy about my age; chin drawn in; fingers showing some atrophy, I believe; passable suit jacket and tie; favorite afghan across his legs.
In certain situations I take it as my responsibility to witness, to pay attention and make a silent announcement to creation. Or maybe my job is to confess a belief consisting of equal parts tears, hope, and wonder. I don’t know.
But staring at an embalmed man whose life was nearly invisible, I put words in God’s mouth. Doing this has always felt dangerous. I don’t know the mind of God. I can’t even put together a sound argument that God exists. Anyway, words were in my mouth. I didn’t invite them. I heard them in my head as true beyond debate. It was as if I were not their author:
You’re as important as anybody in the world, Richard. Nobody is more loved than you are.
I imagined that Richard’s face, the lip puffed out over teeth that never got braces and his fingers bent at the last knuckle, were dear to God—as when a parent watches an infant sleep, each feature counted as a miracle. And to God’s ear, were Richard’s screams music?
I did my best with the service. Some lives make for scant eulogies, but that’s only if you forget that one person’s chocolate milk in the morning deserves mention as much as another’s Fulbright. “Richard was a charming, and funny man,” his obituary read. “He had a loving, caring soul and his smile would light up a room.” His friends, a dozen or so, cried for him. They wiped away tears, too, at the suggestion that God beheld Richard loving food and in him was well pleased.
A soul’s resume lists sacred trivia: knowing how to taste chocolate milk, getting lost in a painting, demanding to be called by name, caring for others with a smile or a scream. Richard’s accomplishments don’t shine up very well, but those who loved him in the world appreciated them and loved him to the end—from the group home to the funeral home to the cutting cold of the cemetery.
In under ten minutes, we had spoken the final amen and were back into our warm vehicles. Not many days later now, I sip routine coffee. Richard reminds me to taste it. His face, as clear in my eyes as when I stood by his body, doesn’t belong to a stranger. His features are fine the way they are. May God and all the quick and the dead remember to call him Richard.
Thumbs up, John.
Hi John Coleman, You make us all feel special. Two errors I noticed. a silent announcement to creation and that never got braces. See you in a couple of hours. Date: Fri, 15 Jan 2016 18:48:21 +0000 To: firstname.lastname@example.org
No words…just a prayer that him memory may always be a blessing.
Thanks, Mimi. Richard’s presence still abides.
With all the students I have worked with over the years and many who have died I find myself reflecting on them today. They, like Richard, were special, each in their own way. Thanks, John.
Thanks, Deb. Hope all is well in your neighborhood–health-wise and otherwise.
All is well, here. Enjoying our first snow of the year. Hope you and yours are doing well. Cheers, Deb
Tomorrow I am officiating at my first funeral. Your words will ground me and carry me through the service. Thank you, and thank you Richard for blessing John.
Hi, Melanie. Hope the funeral went well. I imagine you were a gentle, lovely presence. Peace, John
Amen and amen, sister.
“one person’s chocolate milk in the morning deserves mention as much as another’s Fulbright.” I will try to hold on to this.
Thanks, Rachel. It’s awfully easy to forget how important chocolate milk is, ay? Peace, John
all the Richards of the world are loved by their Creator. He was lucky to have you say the final words over his body. And lucky are we who are smart enough to allow the Richards to teach us about God. Fine words John.
Thanks, Judi. I can still see Richard’s face quite clearly.
May we all have a pastor John treating us with this much dignity in our hour of need. Well done, John.
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Thanks for the nod, Melanie. Hope all is well with you. John
beautiful. Reminded me a bit of my dad’s service (sans the chocolate milk etc) but the same idea that he was a simple guy. There wasn’t a lot to say, but yet a lot that needed to be said. Love the posts. Keep ’em coming.
Thanks, Mum. I’m guessing some of our greatest souls fly under the world’s radar. Simply = good. Peace, John