7:39 a.m. at the downtown Starbucks. 7° with a wind chill factor of misery. A burly guy I’ll call Constance lumbered in ten minutes ago carrying his taut duffle bag. It looks like he’s lugging around a four-foot section of big telephone pole. Who knows what’s in there? The pockets of his fisherman’s vest are tumors of valuables.
After a trip to the restroom, Constance resumes his animated discussion with State Street, jabbing the table with his pointer finger and staring down the swirls of snow. His negotiations are urgent, relentless.
I see Constance a couple times a month. My daughter said years ago that he goes by a woman’s name and sometimes dresses in drag. I’ve only seen him dressed for weather, even in summer, but his name is none of my business. Only death will end his wandering and lonely arguments.
What locks await the cluster of keys hanging around his neck and resting on his gut? Mirage homes? And now, he is pissed: “No! No! You will not!” Silence, then, “I . . . didn’t . . . know! Why are we talking about this?”
I pray for Constance. I also pray for the guy who picks up garbage and shovels snow outside my primary Starbucks haunt near the Millcreek Mall. Yesterday was nearly as severe as today. He was bundled beyond recognition when I drove by him on my way to work. I could make out a slit of flesh from his eyebrows to the bridge of his nose. That was it.
“God,” I said. More and more I’m finding that is prayer enough.
I pray all the time, and I mean all the time. This statement is frankly uncomfortable, not because I’m ashamed of prayer. As Constance just said, “No, no, no, no, no!” My squirming comes because I suspect folks would find my practice of prayer weird and pointless.
In The New Seeds of Contemplation, Trappist monk Thomas Merton describes my context for prayer:
For the world and time are the dance of the Lord in emptiness. The silence of the spheres is the music of a wedding feast. The more we persist in misunderstanding the phenomena of life, the more we analyze them out into strange finalities and complex purposes of our own, the more we involve ourselves in sadness, absurdity and despair. But it does not matter much, because no despair of ours can alter the reality of things, or stain the joy of the cosmic dance which is always there. Indeed we are in the midst of it, and it is in the midst of us, for it beats in our very blood, whether we want it to or not.
Yet the fact remains that we are invited to forget ourselves on purpose, cast our awful solemnity to the wind and join in the general dance.
As a spiritual master, Merton dares speak of mysteries with certainty. I avoid that. Who am I? But Father Louis, as he was known at the Abbey of Gethsemani, comes up with words that work for me—as much as language can take hold of the Ultimate, anyway.
If “the world and time are the dance of the Lord in emptiness,” then prayer is my daring to join in. I’ve spent years “analyzing the phenomena of life out into strange finalities and complex purposes of [my] own” and have had enough of that absurdity. The best prayer I can offer, then, is impoverished and goes like this: “I don’t know anything. But please fill me. I’m here.”
Intercessions are important, of course, but I hold an unconventional view of them. My prayer for the garbage-snow removal guy was monosyllabic because of what I believe about God. Of course the Creator wants everybody to be sane, healthy, warm, fed, clothed, and loved. So saying anything more than the Sacred Name isn’t essential—like asking snow to make its way to the ground. It’s what snow wants to do!
If God wants the whole world taken care of, then why the hell doesn’t God do it? We’re heading for the good old theodicy conundrum: If God is infinitely good, where does evil come from and why does it exist? My answer is the spiritual foundation of my prayer life: “I don’t know anything.”
Some believers might tap me on the shoulder with familiar answers: “God answers all prayer, but sometimes the answer is ‘no.’” Or “God knows what’s best for you, even when what’s happening is terrible.” Or “God is testing you.” Or “It’s all part of God’s plan.” Or, the one I find most irksome: “God never gives you more than you can bear.”
Tell that to the man I hugged whose father died a few months ago and whose mother was going into surgery—anesthesia when you’re sneaking up on ninety is sketchy. Imagine losing both your parents four months apart. Serving up a platitude might get you a well-deserved knuckle sandwich.
After a few thousand hugs like this, I refuse to reduce prayer to a crapshoot. “Dear Lord, please bring So and So through this surgery and grant a speedy recovery.” I might actually say something like this, but I would never do so with a what-the-heck-it-can’t-hurt attitude. And I would never think to myself, “Well, gosh, I’ve prayed like this over and over. Maybe God will hear me this time.” And I won’t try to explain the ways of the Eternal Mystery. The presumption!
But as I wait for my cell phone to ring, I pray for the woman in surgery and her son, not because I expect to influence the outcome. I say “help,” sigh, and look beyond these walls, windows, and patrons because my present reality is this: I wish for a dear old soul’s return to health, if nothing else so her son can catch his breath before adding another layer to his mourning. My prayer is, “Please, Lord, please.” At the moment, I am this prayer.
If I’m to join in the general dance, I can only do so as myself—a duffle bag fat with frailty and fear, longing and gladness.
Not surprisingly, most of my prayers are silent. Abide in what is, John. Swim in grace. Dance in peace. Every now and then, I’m aware that I’m praying for everybody who has ever lived, every creature. And though my hands rest in my lap, my spirit arms are open wide, lifting up all of our laughter and lament—yours, too—as if God doesn’t already see!
I’m quiet. My wordlessness says, “Here we are, God, right here in my arms. Beat in our blood. Fill us. We are yours.”
“tumors of valuables”. John, you win for most descriptive and imaginative phrasology of the year. You always write beautiful posts, but I humbly request your permission to use that phrase sometime in the future, of course with credit to you… although my citation is always done completely wrong and half assed, so we’ll call it “credit”.
Ah, what the hell, just steal “tumors of valuables.” Imaginative but kind of queasy. But it fit because the poor guy seemed to have all his stuff jammed against him. And, dude, does he talk to himself. I really do wish him sanity. Peace out, John
How do you know he’s talking to himself? He might have invisible friends. You have a problem with invisible friends? Cause I have some friends who’d like a word with you…
This was so powerful for me…thank you. My prayer mirrors that of Annie LaMott’s – to paraphrase “Wow. Please. Thank You.” And I cannot tell you how often I repeat this throughout my day…
Hey, Mimi! Yeah, I think Anne Lamott speaks for lots of us. Such a terrific soul and writer. Hope “thank you” abounds for you in 2015. Peace, John
In the words of St. Peter: “Lord, I believe. Please help my unbelief.” I want to second naptimethoughts and commend you in your phraseology!! Love the “tumor of valuables”…the line grabbed me immediately. I, like you, am an Erie-ite and a blogger. I was thrilled to come across your blog. Thank you for sharing. I find your writings inspirational– on many levels 🙂 Please feel free to drop by http://www.HarborlilyCreative.com Peace and Joy to you~ Susan
“I believe. Help my unbelief.” Yes, Susan, love that line. Thanks for checking out my decidedly weird blog. I look forward to stopping by yours. Peace and best, John
Once again what you have written connects with me John. I have been thinking a lot about prayer lately (I think that thinking about prayer is indistinguishable from praying) and it seems to me more and more that inarticulate incomprehension is an appropriate response standing before our creator.
I agree, Rob. From a certain perspective, depending on the inclination of the heart, everything can be a prayer. Like you, I’m finding that prayer is much more about cracking open spiritually rather than verbalizing–though I do a fair amount of the latter as well. As always, peace, brother. John